Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
