My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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