i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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