She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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