I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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