you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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