why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
