we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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