Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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