im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
