i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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