i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
