i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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