i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
