I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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