Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
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