She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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