Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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