Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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