How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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