i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
