i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
