thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just found puke in my bra..
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize