fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
