I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
