dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize