Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
