Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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