Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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