he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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