Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
