took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
