I met the friendliest cop last night
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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