When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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