sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
