My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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