capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
