based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
