My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Four minutes until I can fart!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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