The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
