So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
