i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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