Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
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Do I have a choice?
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I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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