Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
