I'm going to jail i love you
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
