one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize