I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
is it fun? or sober?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
