If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
