Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
