you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
