hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize