My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
