i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
