her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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