she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
