it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize