I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
